Ericka

11:14 am:

04:20 am: Re: Email to Ken
OMG!!!

What was I thinking sending that?!?!?!

04:12 am:

03:46 am: EMAIL SENT TO KEN 01/07/2006 2:49 AM


Hey there Love,

Glad to see you got your nice brand computer set up - Must be nice! I miss having a computer at home.
We'll have to hook you up so you can pay your bills and manage your bank accounts and stuff online. I would be happy to help ya with that, just let me know when.
So what's making you so interested in going to Hayward? There's nothing really to do there unless you gamble or snowmobile. And when the locals aren't doing either of those, they drink, smoke, and make babies. Ahh, to live on the reservation and have the government and your tax-paying neighbors paying for your dysfunctional family lifestyle.
You know, thinking about my family there and also my dad and his family in Kentucky, I think it would be too embarrassing for you to go there with me and meet them. Not me being embarrassed of you but of them. Most of them I wouldn't be surprised to know they made it on Jerry Springer or something along those lines. Nut-cases....ALL of them!!!
Speaking of meeting families...
You didn't want me to meet your mother did you? Hurt my feeling though, to stand me up last minute on New Year's Day. You could have just talked to me and said that you weren't comfortable, ya know. I promise I won't go psycho on you.
Ya know Ken, I love you very much and I enjoy what time I get to spend with you, even when all you do is sleep. And I will do anything for you and to keep you happy and content with me. And I already have to accept a lot of thing about you that I wouldn't normally from another man. If I met you on the street and found out that you were married, and your ex is psycho, not to mention that she lives 1/2 block away from you, and your MARRIED!!! There is noway that I would have even allowed any kind of feelings to form! And here we are going on....let's see.....almost 10 months now!?!?
I'm not asking for you to marry me here. But that's a lot for one person to accept. And then you tell me you love me. But I can't meet your Mom and Dad? And what about your kids? And when you go on vacation to see your family down south I can't call you. And when your brother's in from out of town I can't call you.You love me but I'm not suppose to care about anything in your life not having to do with me? Loving someone and accepting them means accepting their family too, and vice verse. And I'm not suppose to care whether or not they know about me? I'm suppose to just live my life seeing you at work and maybe once or twice throughout the week for a few hours for dinner and sex and that's it? And if something ever happend to you, God forbid, I would just find out like the rest of the scum at Delaware, like I'm nothing to you? Is that what you want Ken? Be honest.
I know in the beginning that you implied that you only wanted to hook up. But I said that I couldn't do that, not my cup of tea. And I thought when we progressed, you knew that that meant we weren't just bed buddies. But I guess that's kinda what we are, right?
Don't get me wrong Hun. I know first and foremost we're friends. And I appreciate everything you have done for me and all the places you take me - I really owe ya - no doubt.
Ya know I remember once you mention something in passing about moving in together. And I said surprisingly, "Move in together?" And you said, "Yeah, that what you do eventually in a relationship." And I thought to myself, YAY! He loves me enough to think about this. But now I realize that that's all it was, you said it in passing and not literally. And that's my fault for misunderstanding and being so naive. I realize that you are older and you are where you want to be, aren't you? You have your house back, and it looks great. Kids are grown and on their own. You go out and spend on whatever whenever. Take last minute trips with no worries. You have all you need - without me.
I knew going into this that I would get hurt. My feelings for you have grown and I always knew that I needed to ask you these questions, knew it from the get go, and that you wouldn't like answering them, not that I like asking them. And that I would not like hearing your answers and having to deal with all of it alone - without you. I don't want to do that. But I think as time passes it's just going to get harder for me. I keep putting it off because you have been so good to me, you take care of me, and hold me, and we have our son together . I've tried a few times to bring it up. But I start and I can't seem to get past the initial comments without crying because I know what could come next. At least I can type and cry at the same time. You don't make it easy either - usually telling me to be quiet and I'm talking crazy. So, here it all is in writing----
I love you. And I know what being with you means for me as far as not getting married or having kids. I know that!!! But I'm still here Ken! You know I was engaged to Rocco and he never made me feel anywhere close to the way you do! NEVER in over 4 years! I just want to kow what we are and what you are thinking. And no matter which way you decide to go with this, you will always have a place in my heart that no one can replace. It's up to you Babe, where do we go from here?

You wanted an email, right? How's that?

Well, you know where I'm at.

Love Ya,
Ericka
XoXoXo

06:15 am:

BTW

 

 

 

06:03 am: So I was stood up.

Yesterday afternoon I awoke at about 2:30 PM - after finishing and overnight shift - and called the Love of my life.

Trying not to bring up the subject, yet waiting for it to come up, I asked "So what's up."

"I got our steaks, Baby. Now we just need to figure out when we can get together." -- Ken

"Well, what happened to tonight?" -- Me

"I'm working overnight tonight. Our schedules are making it easy for us to be together lately." -- Ken

Ok, now he knew when he invited me over the other day that he had to work overnight on Saturday. So why now is it that that's reason for canceling dinner arrangements?

"What about meeting your Mom and Dad? -- Me

"They too old to go out the house." -- Ken

Whatever. Bastard.

Ugh! I hate men.

So he's coming to make dinner at my house tonight, supposedly.


But should I look into this from a different angle? Does he not want me to meet his mother? Was he nervous about question and answer sessions too? Should I ask him?
What's wrong with me that he doesn't want me to meet his mother?

04:06 am: Meeting his parents....
So after an overnight shift at work last night - poor me - I called my bf and asked him why he wasn't there cooking for me when I awoke. He asked me what I wanted, and of course I said "Steak!!!" He said ok - Awww!!! - I didn't think he was serious.

But then "I'll invite my Momma and Daddy."

My gaw dropped! Eyes popped open, breaking away the sleepy crust from my bloodshot eyes.

"Are you ready for that?"

Speechless.

I was definately not ready for that. What would his parents say to their son of 55 dating young white girl of just 21??? I know what my parents said.

"Yes. Yes. I know that he is too old for me." -Me

Since I didn't have time to have dinner there before work we scheduled it for today.
*Panic*
What am I to wear? Do I kiss his mother or just shake her hand and smile pretty? What do I bring to the dinner? What if she askes me a bunch of questions about what my parents think of this relationship? Or do I love Ken?.....etc.



I hate eating with people.